#FindYourTribe – Managing Anxiety

Hi everybody, its Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, helping you reach your ‘breakthrough moment.’ 

Last week I talked about how Corona can tell you something about your relationship; (and if you’d like to see that, scroll down) 

Today I’d really like to talk about the actual virus and what it’s setting off in all of us! You know, it really does feel like we’re each in an open field, knowing the beast is out there… not knowing when he’s going to strike, not knowing who he’s going to pick off and not really knowing what to do about it.

So without a clear direction about what to do, we’re all sort of just looking around and listening and that primitive brain is really getting engaged! And as we’re being encouraged to socially distance, it starts to feel really lonely. The places we orient ourselves, like work and school, and some places in our community are either shut off or unavailable to us somehow.

It’s disorienting, it’s ungrounding and that makes sense! We’re not built for this! We’re wired for connection! 

If you go back to that ‘open field’ example, I thought  – when I go to the grocery store and the shelves are empty, it triggers this sense like everybody else knows something that I don’t! Someone just took off in that empty field and I think maybe I should run too! Maybe I should be doing something else –  maybe they know something I don’t!

You can really get how that could create a sense of panic, maybe too soon – who knows?

We don’t know. That’s the point; it’s scary!

So what do we do when we feel scared like that and we have no point to orient ourselves? I really want to encourage you guys to look around you; see where your tribe is. 

As you’re not going away from your home to get your points of orientation, look around and say, ‘Oh, my neighbor who I say hi to maybe we deepen that a little bit…’  ‘maybe my family who I don’t ever have time for suddenly becomes a source of joy…’ 

We want to think about the connections and how we might share this time together. This is not going to be a snow day this is going to be something that’s going to last weeks. We are stronger together; we are built to connect and find ways of being with each other, so as we go into the coming weeks, I really encourage you guys do all the things that all the doctors are telling us to do with social distancing. But also find ways to connect with the people who live in your house who live close to you. Find ways to share your time, your resources. There’s so many stories about how this is helping people get through the crisis in other countries. 

Let’s do this together! 

I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, hoping this helps you to break on through.

What Corona can tell You

Hi everyone, I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, helping you reach your Breakthrough moment.

These days the coronavirus outbreak has many of us feeling afraid, and driven to go out and get as much Purell and bleach as we can stand. (Makes you wonder how many people were NOT washing their hands before if this is how much antibacterial soap we really need…)

Some people are stocking up on food or wearing masks. You wonder about how much of this is actually necessary or helpful.

For me, it makes sense. One of the scariest things for us as humans, is not the actual virus; it is NOT knowing. There are trolls out there who capitalize on this fear, advertising conspiracy theories and false cures; meanwhile the actual pandemic experts at the CDC and WHO consistently advise calm, awareness of your surroundings, and hand washing. 

When we fear the unknown, it’s like we are alone in an open field knowing the saber toothed tiger is out there, but not knowing how close he is, or when he’s going to strike. We’re helpless about that. So we do anything we can to feel a little less helpless like buying all of the canned goods at the grocery store, even though no experts are advising it, and we’ll probably not need it.

This happens to all of us as human beings – it’s how our genes survived, and others died out.

This is what happens in your relationship, when your partner shows you their resentment or even says out loud, “I’m really unhappy” – it touches your fear that maybe you could lose them.  You feel helpless, even if they have a suggestion that “we go to therapy” – you’re not necessarily hearing them because you’re caught in your helplessness and fear. This is why people shut down, or do all the ‘wrong things’ in response to their partner’s unhappiness.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say, “I didn’t want flowers, I wanted us to talk about it” “I didn’t want advice, I wanted to feel like you ‘got’ me” 

But we’re wired to get out of that fear as quickly as possible, and the more distraction available to us, whether flowers or face masks, the less time we spend feeling our difficult feelings.

The fear is there – whether you talk about it or not. The flowers won’t solve it, and neither will all the bleach at Target; it never has, but we keep trying. 

I don’t have answers to the virus outbreak but I do know that Love is the antidote to Fear. So. Wash your hands. Do what you need to do to feel a little more prepared for the days to come. Then hold your loved ones close, talk with your partner about how scary this all is, without trying to “do” anything about it. Just to share – just to feel like they are alongside you and you are not alone. Love, is the antidote to Fear – it always has been, and it always will be.

I’m Maggie O’Connor, hoping this helps you to break on through.

V-Day Remixed – Cliché for a Day

Hi there, I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT helping you reach your breakthrough moment.

So in our “It’s Cliche for a reason” series, lets talk about a huge cliche’d holiday – you know what I’m going to say – I’m wearing the shirt with the hearts on it – YUP. It’s Valentine’s Day.

As a relationship therapist, I totally empathize up and down that we all have very real, and sometimes very painful reasons why we can’t express our feelings. But today I’m going to go at it from a different angle, and tell you something personal.

I hate Valentine’s Day.

I hate it because it makes this one day fraught with expectations and pressure to deliver the thing that will represent the “right” thing to your partner that somehow makes up for the other 364…

Don’t believe me? Go to any V-Day card rack and pull a card at random. 80% chance it says something like “Sorry I’m such a jerk/won’t be affectionate with you. I really love you. Here’s a card.” Maybe the card comes with a present. Maybe it’s the “right” present. But I don’t like that it comes with all the pressure of one day. 

I’m reminded of the Celtic tradition of handfasting, in which a couple were bound together in a public ceremony involving a  ribbon or a cord tied around their hands, and would come back together after a year and a day to decide whether they wanted to be married.

So what if we used this V-day to give your relationship the BEST gift ever… a true assessment.

If you’re about to press the “Close” button, don’t! It means something feels too scary about this, which means you need help to do it – take some time, maybe call a therapist to talk about what scares you about the state of your relationship.

For the rest of you who maybe leaned in or back a bit, here’s what we want to think about in our new VDay tradition.

What WORKS about your relationship? What do you like? What do you enjoy? What do you appreciate about your partner? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOLD THEM?

What could use work about your relationship? What makes you feel disconnected or depleted, misunderstood, angry, frustrated? What makes you feel scared? Or sad? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOLD THEM?

What is your wish or intent for your relationship in the next year?

What would you like to change about yourself in the relationship? What do you think you do well? What do you wish you did better?

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE THOUGHTFUL ABOUT THIS?

What if we agreed to do this every V-Day, like in the hand fasting ceremony? That we’ll come together and talk about what’s happening in the relationship? And what if we agree that if there are problems we couldn’t solve, negative cycles we couldn’t get out of, we’d go get help before it becomes even more unmanageable? The thing I hear most often from couples is that they wish they’d come into therapy sooner. So give your relationship a check up. Compare notes. And give us a call if we can be helpful.

I’m Maggie O’Connor, wishing you a very connecting V-Day and hoping this helps you to break on through.

Cliché #3 – “It’s Fine”

Hi there, I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, helping you reach your breakthrough moment.

Today in our ‘It’s Cliché for a Reason’ series, we’re going with “It’s fine!”… when it’s not… 

We’ve all done this to some extent at some point; usually it’s out of politeness to spare someone’s feelings – and it can be a great tool if you’re talking to somebody you’re never going to see again (hopefully). But in building relationships, what might it start out of politeness or trying to spare somebody’s feelings, can end up backing you into a corner!

We’ve all been there.

So, in close established relationships very often we’re saying “it’s fine” because we’re in a conversation that is going nowhere or we want to avoid a bigger issue. You’re not alone. So let’s talk about when it becomes obvious that it is indeed not fine and your partner leaves you out of big decisions or you’re starting to think that maybe your friend would benefit from feeling a little bit bad about getting critical every time you disagree with them! 

So how do you pull yourself out of the “it’s fine” corner’? 

It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to know the problem but not have the solution; in fact it can be connecting to come up with the solution with the person in front of you. 

You know I’m gonna say this: First of all it’s always most important to acknowledge for yourself how it actually does feel when the other person says or does whatever it is you’ve been “Fine-ing” away. 

The most effective way to approach this with the other person is probably to start with something like, ‘…I know you’ve been hearing “It’s fine”, maybe for a long time, but it’s not… and I’ve been worried about bringing it up with you, but here’s how it feels when you…’ Short, simple, to the point. If they’re getting that ‘deer in the headlights’ look, or if you’re really worried about how they’re gonna take it you might stop and say, ‘…Would it be okay if I share with you how it really feels?…’ 

Sometimes no matter how hard we try, it can be too difficult to talk about feelings. Sometimes that’s about what’s happening inside us, and sometimes that’s about what’s happening in the relationship. Therapy can be really helpful for getting un-stuck! 

I’m Maggie O’Connor, hoping this helps you to break on through.

Cliché #2 – “Communication is Key”

Hi there, I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, helping you reach your breakthrough moment.

Today we’re going to continue on our series of ‘It’s Cliché for a Reason’ with a big one: “Communication is Key.” Many couples come into therapy with communication issues as their major presenting problem, and it’s true that we often lose sight of each other as our lives become more complicated and more crazy. As we take on more stress we have fewer opportunities to catch up with each other at the end of the day other than, ‘…How was your day?’ ‘…Good…’

Obviously life is easier when we know where each other are day to day, but there’s a bigger reason to keep up with each other; which is that we’re just social animals so our experiences shape us into different people in small ways day to day so you can get to the point where you find yourself with a aspiring politician when you thought you married a stockbroker. 

As we move into the holiday season (actually we’re in the holiday season, we’re firmly in it!) I want to give you two tips for communication under stressful conditions. 

First is – clarifying. If you see a wall of words coming at you and you’re feeling like there’s no way I’m gonna get in a word edgewise, you kind of slow it down by saying, ‘…Wow, I can see this is really important to you,’ or ‘…This is really upsetting you…’ When your partner stops for a second you ask, ‘Is this something you would like help with, or is this a vent? If it’s a vent, you’re released from trying to fix it. If it’s something they want help with, it sets them up to think about this as a problem to be solved. Match your tone to theirs, and use minimal encourages like ‘uh-huh’  ‘mm-hm’ ‘oh my gosh!’ If they could start going too far with it, you can stop them and say, ‘…Hmm, how can I be helpful with this?…’

Another technique is called mirroring. This is a little more than repeating. I like to start with, ‘…oh I hear you saying…’ So it goes like this: your partner comes in and says “Oh my God, the traffic, Oh my gosh so crazy! I almost got into  three accidents!” and you reply, “Oh my gosh so crazy!” (mirroring words and affect) “I hear you saying you almost had three accidents – Wow!” and you just keep matching your tone with their tone. You match their words with your words; it keeps you attuned to them rather than formulating a response in your head.

This helps us from going far too long with misunderstanding our partner so that we don’t get into a huge argument, (because we know how it can go left when we misunderstand for too long!) 

If you can’t find your way into the loop with your partner, if you’re so far off of each other’s loop, therapy can be a really helpful tool to getting back on track with each other.

I’m Maggie O’Connor, hoping this helps you to break on through.

‘It’s Cliche for a Reason’ – #1 – “Relationships Take Work”

Hi there, I’m Maggie O’connor at Breakthrough MFT, helping you reach your breakthrough moment.

Today I’m kicking off a series of posts called, “It’s Cliché for a Reason,” and today’s cliche is going to be… “Relationships Take Work.” 

Sometimes the work is obvious; something’s broken down in the relationship and we’re working actively to fix it. Other times, we just get a sense of ‘something’s missing.’ It’ll come out in a conversation with a friend like, ‘I shouldn’t have to tell them!’  Or you’ll be having an argument with your partner, and you say, ‘You should just know this about me!’ You know clearly something’s getting missed… 

And here’s the problem! We somehow bristle at the idea that relationships take work and needing to talk; needing to maybe change a behavior to address a need in the relationship. There’s this false idea out there that somehow good relationships are frictionless, or even easy! The thought of ongoing work can be disorienting or even scary, depending on what you grew up with! 

Well, let’s bust this wide open…  Healthy relationships require constant input much like your body needs exercise, water and vitamins to function optimally. It seems obvious when we say it like this but somehow we’re living under this other idea. So what kind of work are we talking about? 

It’s work to see the other person’s perspective when we disagree, but when we feel seen and heard we’re more likely to see and hear the other person and eventually compromise. That’s work! 

Let it start with you, because it’s got to start somewhere! 

1. Instead of building your argument while they’re talking to you, really strive to hear their side of things. Try to hear the concern or fear that they are talking about in their position. Repeat it back if you think maybe I’ve missed something or maybe I’ve got to work something out. 

2. Another kind of work is cliche on its own – Make Time. None of us have time anymore so you need to make time you know plan to minimize distractions if you have to – even leave the house if you have to

3. Schedule sex. Yes! Do that! Date night is its own cliche because it works! It helps us remember and reconnect why we liked each other in the first place. 

Remember that the couples who are most successful don’t fight less often or less intensely they just repair more quickly, and they do the work to resolve they have more positive interactions that motivate them to resolve quickly. If you have trouble, therapy can be really helpful to unlocking the blocks to your connection.

If it surprises you that relationships take work, know that you’re not alone. The question is, how much do you value your relationship; and how hard you’re willing to work for it. 

I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, hoping this helps you to break on through.