Cliché #3 – “It’s Fine”

Hi there, I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, helping you reach your breakthrough moment.

Today in our ‘It’s Cliché for a Reason’ series, we’re going with “It’s fine!”… when it’s not… 

We’ve all done this to some extent at some point; usually it’s out of politeness to spare someone’s feelings – and it can be a great tool if you’re talking to somebody you’re never going to see again (hopefully). But in building relationships, what might it start out of politeness or trying to spare somebody’s feelings, can end up backing you into a corner!

We’ve all been there.

So, in close established relationships very often we’re saying “it’s fine” because we’re in a conversation that is going nowhere or we want to avoid a bigger issue. You’re not alone. So let’s talk about when it becomes obvious that it is indeed not fine and your partner leaves you out of big decisions or you’re starting to think that maybe your friend would benefit from feeling a little bit bad about getting critical every time you disagree with them! 

So how do you pull yourself out of the “it’s fine” corner’? 

It’s okay not to be okay. It’s okay to know the problem but not have the solution; in fact it can be connecting to come up with the solution with the person in front of you. 

You know I’m gonna say this: First of all it’s always most important to acknowledge for yourself how it actually does feel when the other person says or does whatever it is you’ve been “Fine-ing” away. 

The most effective way to approach this with the other person is probably to start with something like, ‘…I know you’ve been hearing “It’s fine”, maybe for a long time, but it’s not… and I’ve been worried about bringing it up with you, but here’s how it feels when you…’ Short, simple, to the point. If they’re getting that ‘deer in the headlights’ look, or if you’re really worried about how they’re gonna take it you might stop and say, ‘…Would it be okay if I share with you how it really feels?…’ 

Sometimes no matter how hard we try, it can be too difficult to talk about feelings. Sometimes that’s about what’s happening inside us, and sometimes that’s about what’s happening in the relationship. Therapy can be really helpful for getting un-stuck! 

I’m Maggie O’Connor, hoping this helps you to break on through.