What Corona can tell You

 

Hi everyone, I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, helping you reach your Breakthrough moment.

These days the coronavirus outbreak has many of us feeling afraid, and driven to go out and get as much Purell and bleach as we can stand. (Makes you wonder how many people were NOT washing their hands before if this is how much antibacterial soap we really need…)

Some people are stocking up on food or wearing masks. You wonder about how much of this is actually necessary or helpful.

For me, it makes sense. One of the scariest things for us as humans, is not the actual virus; it is NOT knowing. There are trolls out there who capitalize on this fear, advertising conspiracy theories and false cures; meanwhile the actual pandemic experts at the CDC and WHO consistently advise calm, awareness of your surroundings, and hand washing. 

When we fear the unknown, it’s like we are alone in an open field knowing the saber toothed tiger is out there, but not knowing how close he is, or when he’s going to strike. We’re helpless about that. So we do anything we can to feel a little less helpless like buying all of the canned goods at the grocery store, even though no experts are advising it, and we’ll probably not need it.

This happens to all of us as human beings – it’s how our genes survived, and others died out.

This is what happens in your relationship, when your partner shows you their resentment or even says out loud, “I’m really unhappy” – it touches your fear that maybe you could lose them.  You feel helpless, even if they have a suggestion that “we go to therapy” – you’re not necessarily hearing them because you’re caught in your helplessness and fear. This is why people shut down, or do all the ‘wrong things’ in response to their partner’s unhappiness.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard someone say, “I didn’t want flowers, I wanted us to talk about it” “I didn’t want advice, I wanted to feel like you ‘got’ me” 

But we’re wired to get out of that fear as quickly as possible, and the more distraction available to us, whether flowers or face masks, the less time we spend feeling our difficult feelings.

The fear is there – whether you talk about it or not. The flowers won’t solve it, and neither will all the bleach at Target; it never has, but we keep trying. 

I don’t have answers to the virus outbreak but I do know that Love is the antidote to Fear. So. Wash your hands. Do what you need to do to feel a little more prepared for the days to come. Then hold your loved ones close, talk with your partner about how scary this all is, without trying to “do” anything about it. Just to share – just to feel like they are alongside you and you are not alone. Love, is the antidote to Fear – it always has been, and it always will be.

I’m Maggie O’Connor, hoping this helps you to break on through.