What Couples Therapy can tell you about #BLM

Hi everybody, I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, helping you reach your breakthrough moment.

There’s a point in couples therapy at which for some reason, one partner becomes more able to hear the other’s pain. Lowering whatever defenses they’d been using to deny or ignore that their partner was hurting, they now hear it differently, maybe even for the first time, though it’s been in front of them forever.

Here’s where the ‘injured’ partner often feels incredulous at this turn of events – it feels too sudden, or suspicious in some way. ‘I’ve been saying this to you for months and years – I’ve cried, I’ve begged, I’ve frozen you out – and now? NOW? All of a sudden you just hear me differently? What am I supposed to do with THAT?!

So this is how I see feelings surrounding the sudden show of support from white Americans for ‘Black Lives Matter’ – Why now? And what to do?
What do we do with a national relationship that has repeated this ignorance for lifetimes? For generations the injured partner had to figure out a way to live with the other – the white people – who would never, ever see them. And Now? Seems kind of stupid to take us seriously.

So the anger and suspicion from the black community makes sense. Our job as well-meaning white people is to listen, and figure out ways to keep showing up in support, recognizing the hurt underneath.
We hear confusing messages about how to help – Speak up, sit down, educate yourself, but don’t read that book, raise money, that’s performative, that’s not enough, that’s too much –

In trying so hard to do avoid doing the ‘wrong’ thing we can be in danger of becoming paralyzed and doing nothing. Our other job is to stay open to what we are being told as we figure this out together.

Some of us can acknowledge that we just haven’t been listening. We have heard the message before but have been ‘privileged’ in that we didn’t have to think about it. We didn’t care because we didn’t think. It’s embarrassing, and painful. And brave to acknowledge out loud. Others are just waking up to this awareness – and are struggling to understand the need for statements like “Black Lives Matter”.

Wherever you are in your awakening, it’s real – it taps into everything that make us human. It shows risk and vulnerability, considering that as well-meaning white people as we may be, we have really missed the truth that was right in front of us. And it is deeply saddening.

To continue our support in the long run, we need to seek learning environments and social support that will encourage us to keep trying, though it won’t always be comfortable. If you feel like you’re shutting down, get support for your growth. To get anywhere meaningful, we need to stay present – we need to stay awake.

I’m Maggie O’Connor, hoping this helps you to break on through.