What’s Dysfunction Got to Do With It?

Hi everybody, I’m Maggie O’Connor at BreakthroughMFT helping you reach your Breakthrough moment.

I’ve been thinking a lot about dysfunctional family systems.

In any family, whether or not it’s spoken out loud, everybody knows what the rules are.

In dysfunctional families, regardless of what specifically occurs within the walls of the home, secrecy is rule #1, and it is characterized as loyalty.

Children growing up in these families often believe that the abuse, conflict or neglect they experience is normal.

When no one challenges the abusive parent(s), children typically assume it’s their fault – internalizing blame and turning it to shame. And shame says ‘don’t ever, ever talk about it’.

It’s dangerous to call the abuser out, because you know that you will suffer punishment, and nothing, NOTHING will change. The ‘system’ will continue to sustain itself.

So we develop a way of being in order to survive within the system.

This way of being is the “role” you play. You may have heard of the Scapegoat, the Golden Child, The Loner…

In these roles, each family member accommodates the abuse or neglect in their own way, in order to survive themselves. This is what we mean by dysfunction – it’s how the parts of the system accommodates the abuse and allows it to continue.

Characteristics of dysfunctional families include:

– Lack of Empathy
– Denial
– Poor boundaries for yourself
– Disrespect for the boundaries of others
– Extremes in conflict – in either direction – Overly violent or overly peaceful
– Un-equal treatment of family members due to real or perceived attributes

Everyone in dysfunctional families are at risk in all kinds of ways, but none more than when they try to call out the dysfunctional system itself. Then you risk abandonment, which to our survival brain, means death. So individual members find their way within the system, to survive.

The discussion about police reform is not about individual officers. It’s about a dysfunctional system that protects the members who abuse and neglect and punishes well-intentioned members who would otherwise speak against it.

As respectful food for thought, perhaps it gets under our skin in part because we recognize some of our own experience and feel compelled to protect the status quo.

I’m Maggie O’Connor, hoping this helps you to break on through.

When You and your Partner see #BLM Differently

Hi everybody, I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, helping you reach your breakthrough moment.

I see a lot of couples struggling right now with different levels of awareness regarding the statement, “Black Lives Matter.”

As white people, we have been socialized that overtly talking about race is somehow rude or inappropriate – remember the Seinfeld episode when they kept saying, “I don’t think we should be talking about this…” “No!”

We look for exits rather than going deeper into the conversation.

“All Lives Matter” is one of those exits.

Right now, well-meaning white people are getting our heads around our role in perpetuating trauma against our black brothers and sisters through our denial and ignorance, and what generations before have to do with that. It’s embarrassing, it’s painful – and many of us feel shame for our behavior.

Some of us react to that shame with denial that the lives of black people in our country have been so devalued, that there needs to be a specific statement about “Black Lives Matter”.
We’ll try to bargain it out, saying, ‘well all lives matter’ without recognizing the fundamental disparity within that group of “all”.

That until your brother with black skin has just as little chance of being pulled over, or run off the road or shot at as you with your white skin, we have work to do.

Of course all lives matter. But we have work to do to make that statement truly reflected in our behavior and beliefs.

In talking with your partner, it’s personal. You know them best.

If they really care about other people, and I’m sure they do, then your partner’s defensiveness is probably more about the shame and embarrassment of walking around in white skin and not doing enough to notice the people around them.

You can come from a place of curiosity with them – be really interested in what makes them feel that way, without judgment or correction – engage in a discussion about when they first became aware of racism, and how it’s played a role in their lives. Respond with compassion to say “It makes sense that you would feel that way/ have a hard time with this;” encourage them to think out loud.

Silence perpetuates shame and ignorance. It’s in talking about it that we process and move the discussion forward – it can be as effective at home as much as as it could be on the national stage.

I’m Maggie O’Connor, hoping this helps you to break on through.

What Couples Therapy can tell you about #BLM

Hi everybody, I’m Maggie O’Connor at Breakthrough MFT, helping you reach your breakthrough moment.

There’s a point in couples therapy at which for some reason, one partner becomes more able to hear the other’s pain. Lowering whatever defenses they’d been using to deny or ignore that their partner was hurting, they now hear it differently, maybe even for the first time, though it’s been in front of them forever.

Here’s where the ‘injured’ partner often feels incredulous at this turn of events – it feels too sudden, or suspicious in some way. ‘I’ve been saying this to you for months and years – I’ve cried, I’ve begged, I’ve frozen you out – and now? NOW? All of a sudden you just hear me differently? What am I supposed to do with THAT?!

So this is how I see feelings surrounding the sudden show of support from white Americans for ‘Black Lives Matter’ – Why now? And what to do?
What do we do with a national relationship that has repeated this ignorance for lifetimes? For generations the injured partner had to figure out a way to live with the other – the white people – who would never, ever see them. And Now? Seems kind of stupid to take us seriously.

So the anger and suspicion from the black community makes sense. Our job as well-meaning white people is to listen, and figure out ways to keep showing up in support, recognizing the hurt underneath.
We hear confusing messages about how to help – Speak up, sit down, educate yourself, but don’t read that book, raise money, that’s performative, that’s not enough, that’s too much –

In trying so hard to do avoid doing the ‘wrong’ thing we can be in danger of becoming paralyzed and doing nothing. Our other job is to stay open to what we are being told as we figure this out together.

Some of us can acknowledge that we just haven’t been listening. We have heard the message before but have been ‘privileged’ in that we didn’t have to think about it. We didn’t care because we didn’t think. It’s embarrassing, and painful. And brave to acknowledge out loud. Others are just waking up to this awareness – and are struggling to understand the need for statements like “Black Lives Matter”.

Wherever you are in your awakening, it’s real – it taps into everything that make us human. It shows risk and vulnerability, considering that as well-meaning white people as we may be, we have really missed the truth that was right in front of us. And it is deeply saddening.

To continue our support in the long run, we need to seek learning environments and social support that will encourage us to keep trying, though it won’t always be comfortable. If you feel like you’re shutting down, get support for your growth. To get anywhere meaningful, we need to stay present – we need to stay awake.

I’m Maggie O’Connor, hoping this helps you to break on through.